DIVORCE
Divorce in the West is now of epidemic proportions. In the year 2001 there were 249,000 marriages in England and Wales (which was 7% lower than in 2000), and there were 144,000 divorces. That proportion is 58%! The consequences of a broken marriage can be severe. Loneliness, feelings of inadequacy, financial problems and effects on the children are all too common.
An article published in the medical journal ‘The Lancet’ in January 2003, analysed the risks of social and medical problems facing children of single parent families in Sweden. They studied 65,000 children from single parent families and compared them with 921,000 children from two parent families. It was found that the children from single parent families suffered more in all the areas looked at.
Psychiatric disease in childhood – over twice the incidence
Suicide attempts – over twice the incidence
Alcohol related disease – over twice the incidence
Drug abuse – three times the incidence in girls and four times in boys.
It is surprising that with such a widespread problem that has such serious effects that more is not done to prevent it. Where can we begin, where can we get the information our society needs?
A search on the internet reveals a vast number of websites dealing with this subject but the majority are startling in their emphasis. Here are some examples.
“Start your divorce on-line today – save time, money and eliminate stress.”
“How to divorce as friends.”
Has anyone known a divorce without any stress? Most sites seemed to be by lawyers offering quick divorces. There was one headed, “Stop your divorce,” which sounded interesting. It went on,
“Five things you can start doing today – and by the way, these five things always work.”
This sounded even better, what must we do?
“Buy the author’s book for $79!”
It leaves you wondering for whom these five things always work.
There is another authoritative source that we can search for information – the Bible. Fiona Castle, the wife of the entertainer Roy Castle, who died of lung cancer once said,
“We all go through times when life is tough, . . . . I used to think the Bible to be a crusty old book with no relevance to my needs.”
Fiona has now changed her mind. The Bible claims to be “the very words of God” (Romans 3:2) that are relevant for all people. So what does it have to say about divorce?
God’s Ideal
The marriage of one man to one woman was God’s intention right at the beginning.
“Male and female he created them.” Gen 1:27
He planned this for three reasons, that they should be companions, have children and rule the earth and everything in it. The next chapter gives more detail,
“The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him.” Gen 2:18
So God’s ideal was that a man and woman should combine together to be a unit - companions who were to work together. This was to entail leaving their parents and setting up a new home.
“A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Gen 2:24
The remainder of the book of Genesis is all about families. God deals with families.
We did not invent sex, God did. God did not look down from heaven and ask,
“Tut, tut, whatever will they think of next?”
He created sex so as to help bond marriages together.
Why did God plan it this way? Malachi is the last writer in the Old Testament. He lived after the exile in Babylon and was probably a contemporary of Nehemiah who rebuilt the walls of Jerusalem after the return from exile. The problem was that although God’s people were religious, they were in fact far from God and this was affecting their family relationships. Malachi explains why marriages are so important to God.
“God desires godly offspring.” Mal 2:15
So God’s ideal is that we should live in families, with everyone, including the children learning to live under God’s authority.
Man’s failure
In Malachi’s time people used to go to religious services and even prayed, but God was turning his back on them because they were not God centred in the way that God wanted. People may be outwardly religious but part of the worship God requires is that we live our everyday lives according to his wishes and priorities. Their marriages were in trouble.
13 Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.
14 You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
15 Has not [the LORD] made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.
16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, Mal 2:13-16
God says,
“The Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.” Malachi 2:14
He then emphasises why their behaviour was so serious,
“God made you one.” Mal 2:15
And so God concludes,
“I hate divorce.” Mal 2:16
Some churchmen have taken phrases such as this out of their Biblical context concluding that if God hates divorce then his church can have nothing to do with it and have nothing to do with those who have been divorced. But let us look at the context here in Malachi. It is clear what God primarily hates, it is the lack of commitment to their marriages that gives rise to divorce.
“You have broken faith with her. You were covenanted to her before me.” Mal 2:14
They probably had wedding vows something like ours,
“Will you have this woman to be your wedded wife, to live together according to God’s commands in the holy relationship of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others be faithful to her so long as you both will live?”
“I will”, is the promise made before God.
When God says “Do not break faith with the wife of your youth”, he is not just saying,
“Don’t have affairs once you are married.”
‘Breaking faith’ includes doing anything that will tend to undermine the relationship. This includes such things as,
Verbal abuse, whether angry talk or refusing to talk. Once such habits start they are hard to stop. A sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use!
Physical abuse. This was a problem in the time of Malachi. “I hate a man’s covering himself with violence.” Mal 2:16
Flirting with others
Spending too much time apart. It is at times like these that the temptations increase. How many businessmen, finding themselves alone in hotels begin to watch the pornographic films that are so readily available. Such prostitution of the mind can easily lead on to other things.
Excessive alcohol.
It is such things as these that God primarily hates – those aspects of our lives that, when fed, will ultimately lead to divorce. That is unfaithfulness.
This passage in Malachi is primarily directed at the men, presumably because we are too often the original cause of marriage breakdowns. The same concepts equally apply to wives. I have just had a letter from a friend. His wife found their marriage rather humdrum, the excitement was not the same as it had been. She met an attractive man at work who smiled at her. She smiled back. They started talking. They had so much in common. She agreed to go out for a drink. The unfaithfulness had begun. It was much later that the adultery started.
It is even possible to justify such unfaithfulness with religious excuses. Another friend of mine had a large family. He was active in his local church. He was involved in a home group that he enjoyed very much. His wife did not join him very often. Another church leader and his wife were in the same group. The leaders wife was so keen and lively. He found that he could ‘work for God’ so effectively when he was with her, whereas his own wife became increasingly critical. The unfaithfulness had already begun. It was later that they had an affair. There were criticisms in the church so the new couple decided to set up home in another area and find a new church there. Their divorces came later.
It is significant that the Bible never calls divorce a sin, but the various types of unfaithfulness that precedes divorce certainly are and are very serious. In the old Testament adultery,, sexual activity of a married person with someone who is not their spouse is condemned very strongly. It was a capital offence (Deut 22:22). In the New Testament there is the same warning to people calling themselves Christians that sexual activity outside marriage is repugnant to God.
“Do not be deceived. Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor . . . . will inherit the kingdom of God.” 1 Cor 6:9
Instinctively we know this is right in spite of all the films and books that promote promiscuous values. A survey conducted amongst young people asked,
“What do you wish for most in life?”
The most common answer was,
“Someone we can trust.”
Is this not true for all of us? Deep down that is what we want in our relationships and especially in our marriages – “Someone we can trust.” To do anything that could break this trust is wicked.
Easy Divorce?
It is obvious that the problems we face today with our marriages have been present since the beginning of families. The causes were always similar. Deuteronomy 22:13-19 describes how domestic problems can result in a man openly slandering his wife. If this was found to be unjustified the man was punished severely. It appals God if wives are treated as doormats and ill-treated according to the whim of their husbands.
It is important to realise that marrying a wife was never the same as getting a slave! The wife came through negotiation with her parents and involved both privileges and responsibilities. The only sense in which a wife was her husband’s property was in regard to her sexuality. The same also goes for the husband; the two become one flesh, belonging to each other. The wife took her husbands name and gave him authority and the headship of the family, but he never owns her.
Imagine a flare up in a marriage of a Jewish couple in Moses time. They would experience the rows, the violence, the alcohol abuse and flirting with others. One day the dominant husband looses his temper and wants to throw his wife out of his home to fend for herself. He wants a more amenable partner. It was not to be that easy. Through Moses God provided legislation to protect such women.
If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house,
and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man,
and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies,
then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the LORD. Do not bring sin upon the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance. (Deut 24:1-4)
This passage highlights some of the protection God’s law gave to these rejected wives.
There had to be adequate grounds for the divorce. There had to be some ‘specific uncleanness’, it could not just be a whim and it could not be because the man had found someone more attractive. This gave a cooling off period.
The divorce had to be formalised in writing
This would inevitably take some time as scribes would not immediately be available
It confirms that divorce gave the wife the right to remarry. After she has remarried she was prohibited from returning to her first husband if he found that his new arrangements were not what he wanted. It therefore had to be thought through.
The dowry would have to be returned. Often these were generous and this reason alone probably explained why divorce was uncommon.
In the time of Jesus there was a theological dispute amongst the Rabbis as to the grounds for divorce. The debate was over the meaning of Deut 24:1 – “If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent in her”. In summary there were three views. The Mishnah is a compilation of Rabbinical teaching that was completed about 200AD but reflected the teaching of earlier centuries. It says,
“The school of Shammai says: A man must not divorce his wife unless he has found unchastity in her, for it is written, “Because he hath found in her indecency in anything.”
And the school of Hillel says: (He may divorce her) even if she spoiled a dish for him, for it is written, “Because he has found in her indecency in anything.”
Rabbi Akiba says: Even if he found another fairer than she, for it is written, “and it shall be that she finds no favour in his eyes.”
So the three rabbinical grounds for divorce were,
Only unfaithfulness – Shammai
Trivial Offences – Hillel
No reason needed
Who was right? The Bible tells us Jesus’ answer,
3. Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"
4. "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,'
5. and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'?
6. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
7. "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
8. Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.
9. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
10. The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."
11. Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given.
12. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it." (Matt 19:3-12)
The Pharisees were testing Jesus over this rabbinical debate concerning easy divorce. Note how Jesus replies as he always does by referring back to the Bible that he obviously considers to be the Words of God. He is most critical about the Pharisees lack of Biblical understanding, “Haven’t you read . .” (v. 4). He refers them back to those passages from Genesis that this paper started with. He reminded them that marriages were instituted by God and therefore “let man not separate”.
“Why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” (v. 7)
Their response again reflects contemporary thinking that divorce was obligatory if the husband was not satisfied, if the wife was not up to scratch. But again Jesus takes them back to Scripture to saying ‘No, you have got it wrong’.
“Moses permitted you to divorce . .” (v. 8)
So even if the wife or husband had an affair, divorce is not obligatory. It is a concession that God has allowed but it is not God’s will. He has only permitted it if both the trust and relationship have disintegrated without hope. The point is that whatever problems there are in a marriage, God expects us to work on them and learn to overcome the difficulties with a practical love. Jesus is confirming that easy divorce on flimsy grounds is repugnant to God. If people try to say, “I’m keeping to the law”, Jesus says, “You are not keeping the law of God”. To divorce because you are attracted to some new young lady, who has come along, batting her eyelids and smiling at you, is in God’s eyes adultery.
However divorce, horrible though it is, may be inevitable if a partner is persistently unfaithful and refuses to change. He does hate divorce and wants us to do everything possible to uphold our marriages and those of people around us. This is not a soft approach to divorce. God will judge all those actions that undermine our marriages because marriage is sacred in his eyes. Those who have broken their marriage vows, given before God, will have to give account one day of their behaviour before God. However God is still a God of love who permitted divorce because of the ‘hardness of hearts’. When the unfaithfulness becomes intolerable he does permit the injured partner to make a new start and marry again.
What should we do if problems may be brewing?
All relationships have their problems. The secret of success is not to let the problems simmer. Resolve to sort out the difficulties as soon as they occur.
“Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Eph 4:26-27
It is not difficult to read the signs when a marriage is really getting sticky. Coldness enters the relationship. The husband or wife no longer wants to join in activities with their partner. They leave the husband or wife to go to church with the family whilst they stay at home or find something else to do. They take holidays by themselves – to think things through. They stay out more, drinking with their friends or find excuses to stay late at work. Flirting with others increases. There are more arguments or even refusal to talk in the home. Perhaps there is violence. The children are more upset – how quickly they read stressful situations. The distrust and even fear increases.
If any of these symptoms are appearing then action is urgently needed. Friends and families must be involved and if necessary professional advice obtained. It is at times such as these that ‘Love must be tough”. The husband and wife must talk through the problems, and guidelines for behaviour set. If it comes to it, then ultimatums can be given. The standard is simple, how would Jesus behave in the same situation. He was not weak but tough when explaining how people should behave. If discussion fails then moving out may be the ultimatum necessary to bring people to their senses, so that they can understand the seriousness of the problem and that real changes are needed. When it comes to this desperate level there will often be tears and promises to change. Beware. Lay down conditions for reconciliation; don’t just give in to ‘sweet talk’. Faithfulness is a serious business.
It’s not my problem!
Oh yes it is. Even if your marriage is perfect with no problems at all there are many around you who are having real problems. There are many around who do not know which way to turn. H.G.Wells had been an optimist about the way society was going to improve, but he changed his mind. His last written legacy was in ‘Mind at the end of its tether’.
“Our world is like a convoy lost in darkness on an unknown rocky coast, with quarrelling pirates in the chart room and savages climbing up the sides of the ship to plunder and do evil as the whim may take them. Where is the captain? The ship is driving for the rocks and man cannot stop it.”
Where is the captain who can help our marriages and us? Who can help? The Bible teaches very clearly that God is passionately concerned about the way we live. The best way to protect our marriages is for both partners to be truly ‘in Christ’, determined to live our lives in a way that pleases our Lord – Jesus the Christ. He then gives us God’s power to confront the all too common temptation to be selfish. This is the power of the Holy Spirit. We all need His help.
The Bible gives another reason why this is relevant to us all. Our relationship with God is described as being like that of a bride. The church together is the bride of Christ. The relationship between a man and his wife is sacred because it is a parable for the entire world to see about the kind of relationship God wants with us. Harmonious marriages and harmonious churches are a living testimony to this. Is it surprising therefore that churches fail to make an impact on their society when this model is missing?
Many people in this country would call themselves Christians. They were baptised as infants, perhaps were confirmed and may even occasionally go to church. Yet in reality they have turned their backs on the Lord Jesus. They don’t care about his standing in society. They don’t talk to him. They don’t talk to others about him. They don’t spend time doing what pleases him. Instead they do the very things that he hates. They shut Jesus out of their lives. They have other priorities, other gods in their lives – their careers or interests have taken the place of God himself. The ancient people of Israel were like that. They became so preoccupied with themselves that they forgot God and he became very angry. The prophet Jeremiah gave God’s people a terrible warning from God that is relevant to us today.
“I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce.” Jer 3:8
The Lord Jesus longs to be the bridegroom of his church. If we, our families and friends persist in being selfishly unfaithful, then we face the horror of being divorced by God himself. We must pay him the attention he merits. Just as we must love our husbands and wives, so we must take care to meet our Lord’s requirements.
Even a cursory self-examination will reveal that we have all failed in this regard. We have not lived, as God wants. Our thought life does not come up to his standard. We have failed to get involved and help others or even warn others when it was needed. What hope do we have before an all holy God? This is where the good news about Jesus Christ is so relevant. All who come back to Him, acknowledging His authority in his world and his right to direct our lives, can be forgiven whatever we have done wrong in the past. Ask him for his power to change. A married Christian couple in Albania were having terrible problems in their marriage. Their link with the church was becoming more tenuous. The minister was despairing. Then the husband came unexpectedly to confess the wrong life he had led and recommitted himself both to his Lord and to his wife. The marriage then took on a new dimension as together they serve both their Lord and each other.
Festo Kivengere was a Bishop in Uganda and a great preacher. One evening he was about to go out to take a meeting. However he had a heated argument with his wife. At this point his driver turned up and gave a hoot on the car horn. Festo said some choice last words and walked out slamming the front door. As he walked to the car he has some thoughts - God prompted thoughts.
“Go back and apologise to your wife.”
“No, I must go to the meeting.”
The Holy Spirit continued however,
“Go back and apologise to your wife before you go to the meeting.”
“Time is running out, must go, chauffeur waiting, revival is going to happen tonight.”
But God was not finished,
“Alright, you go to the meeting, I’ll stay and look after your wife.”
“Oh no Lord,” and he rushed back in to apologise.
Festo said,
“That night revival broke out in the kitchen”.
Let us all determine to learn to love, to love not only our husbands and wives but also our Lord, through the power of Christ.
BVP
August 2003
